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It's Only Pain, It Only Hurts

Ohhhhh, Lord Ilpalazzo! Your Excel's head is consistently bandied this way and that like a ping-pong ball ricocheting from the paddles of life!

Goodness, it's madness, it really is. I mean, let's not beat about the bush. Yesterday was a city trip, and it was magnificent. I personally hit a few stumbling blocks towards the end, for reasons you can probably guess that we'll get to momentarily. But it's honestly as if I've come to a whole different Norwich nowadays. Strangers strike up convesations with me here, there and everywhere. There's still tedium in the city, but there's always also something to explore in the diminutive place, and something to see and to do. Always someone to say hello to.

I went to my favourite cafe and it was quiet, and everyone working or visiting there knew me and came and sat with me and we all just hung out and talked. It was great! And later in the day I even caught up, briefly, with someone I'd not seen in years in That Place... you know, the one Brownie used to work at. Did we ever mention Brownie has a kid now? Times have changed so much! Haven't seen Brownie herself in God knows how long, mind.

And it's just ludicrously brilliant sometimes. I mean, yesterday, a girl who'd just met me and was talking with me uttered, in a charming Northern accent, "Oh my God, I swear you've got the cutest laugh I ever heard."

For no real reason. At all. I mean, I dunno, she might literally say that to everyone. But it's gleefully insane how maniacally pleasant everyone's being. And I know, I can feel, that I'm exuding a kind of confidence, a kind of power and a potency, that I've never ever had access to. Not after publishing books, not after achieving anything except now, in this crazy time in which two months ago to the day I prepared to make the biggest journey of my life.

Two months ago to the day... everything was... ugh. Ugh! This is the bloody thing!

Two months ago it was all about to begin! Excitement was everywhere! Love was flowing thick and fast, extreme and expressive and overwhelming! And then we cut to a quieter day like today, and it just... that oppression comes back. I don't want it to, I don't even want to write about it of course, but it's there, even if it does get incrementally better. Sometimes it's just downright funny. I heard a song again yesterday I'd not listened to in ages and fell in love with it again because the lyrics; about a cranky girl who drives away all the men she ensnares and declares it solely their fault; made me laugh with gleeful self-satire.

Plus it's just jovial funk and soulage, and also by a Frenchman, and the French do output some remarkably brilliant culture. I really like French music! And their videogames, well... Rayman says hello.

But there's still that annoying little voice inside that criticises everything I do. A voice I shouldn't listen to, a voice peppered with shattered promises and hypocrisy.

Yet what I keep coming back to is that there must be reasons why Fuckface changed the way she did. I always knew she was difficult and prone to lose friends and such, but the difference was it wasn't with me... I guess I somehow presumed myself safe. And damn it all, but I just miss the... good stuff. Like I said, two months ago... everything was jubilant and celebratory... and even now it is, with pretty much everyone who talks to me, but back then it was personal, it was us, and it was just... decimated, destroyed... I just want to know why I deserved it, what I did wrong.

I was faithful, I was honest to the point of humiliation, I was always there, I cheered up every bad moment she had, I rooted for her in every endeavour, I shared unconditionally myself and accepted totally even the most bizarre of personality quirks within her... oh, and did we mention I flew around the world to see her, something that began as the most magical thing anyone had supposedly ever done for her but soon devolved into nothing more than a mild nuisance?

What did I do that was so tedious, or so atrocious, or so repellant, that I should deserve the abuse? Forget the break-up. The break-up was inevitable, this much I know. I was contemplating it myself once or twice while out there, when the insults began flowing thick and fast. And I know I made mistakes. Utterly stupid ones. I wasn't alone in so doing, but the difference is I tried to look beyond them to find resolution. I didn't use them as an excuse to degrade someone I cared about.

And that's the thing! Why degrade someone you care about? I know Scorpio's got a competitive streak, I've got it myself, and it was dark fun in those moments she and I shared it in a healthy way... that's definitely something to bear in mind. If you're with a Scorpy, compete in something. Chess. Gaming. Debates. Anything.

But to use that darker nature to insult and then blithely refuse to see how it's insulting... unless I retaliate, of course... ugh, why did I let this happen, why did it happen, what did I do wrong that warranted me being treated this way after everything I did, gave and endeavoured?

You know what they say...

So if you want to know why I'm lapsing in these lucky moments, there's why. If you want to know why moving on is hard, there's the answer. How can I justify my actions to myself if I can make the biggest adventure of my life, the most generous action I ever made, the most loving and romantic excursion ever taken, further from home than I've ever been with preparation for a lifelong commitment, and be bullied for it? Never mind rejected, never mind pushed away, freakin' psychologically abused.

And you're telling me now the sudden proliferation of personal power, friendships, female attention, financial abundance and generally remarkably good fortune is some sort of alternative apologetic proffering from the wheels of Fate? Even if that's the case, how am I meant to appreciate a sudden scattergunned smorgasbord of appreciative remarks if I'm still too busy wondering why I deserved the appreciative remarks from one person - one stupid, hypocritical, deeply disturbed person - to turn into acidic attrition?

God knows I want to move on. God knows I'm doing this the hard way, to make sure my internalverse is scrubbed squeaky freakin' clean from this negative taint. God knows I shouldn't have to want to go out every day at personal expense just to have astonishing throes of positivity validate my existence. And God knows these quieter days shouldn't have these stealth-attack anguish-fests where I'm bawling pathetically and listening to sad songs. Especially since some things simply aren't worth the grief.

Also, Katie Melua is just wonderfully attractive. She really is!

But it's just stupid. It's like I'm constantly being tested. You know how when you're in love and everything reminds you of that person and it's comforting? The signs that guide you home? Okay, great. So why is everything still around the place constantly reminding me of her? Still, the world's screaming constantly about the Olympics now in London, there's no escaping it. She'll be having to sit through "BRITAIN BRITAIN BRITAIN" all the time, and no matter how much she shuts me out, living with a British person for a month doesn't just go away. How black it really is that I have to scrabble for the vague hope that she's somehow being tortured, just a little, by pangs and unwelcome remembrances. It'd be even harder for her, since she's so adamant on erasing all the evidence instead of calmly staring at it.

Why does it all bother me anyway? Even if I got that answer, even if I knew where I went wrong, as I'm gradually working out... would it help or make me happy? I'll confess, there's a part of me that fears that all these signs and symbols pointing to her is like... Fate again, saying she and I have further to go in some way.

I beg the universe that this isn't the case.
I genuinely do, I utterly beg on my knees and appeal to any and every possible... overseer or whatever, should such things be out there. And if not, great, I'm master of my own destiny... but at the same time, I was meant to have this experience with her, that's why no matter how atrocious it's been I can never regret it. I've returned to England powerful and charismatic. I feel like I'm on my way to being that man I always wanted to be, who goes to the fancy party and everyone loves him and he does lots of crazy fun things for his own impish gratification and everyone's thrilled he's around.

I'll do it. I'll do better than that, actually.

What was I...? Oh, right. Well, I just hope these signs aren't like... I mean, imagine if she had them too, all these things reminding her of me. She must do, because she's so adamant on shutting everything out. But I daresay it's easier for her to move on because, well, she didn't really lose anything in all this. Except someone who'd genuinely have done anything for her, of course, but since when was that a big deal?

But if all these 'signs' are pointing to some sort of... reconciliation, and if all this good fortune is just to build me up to strength and power again so I'm 'ready' for her return...


It's a grand and emphatic no. There's no way I'd tolerate that. I'm appalled at myself I could even consider that an option. Why would I want that? What am I looking for in her that I couldn't get anywhere else? Why would her return be necessary? Are we waiting on an apology? Pffft. Took three years for the last big one. Besides, what does she have to apologise for when Everything She Does Is Right™?

Ugh. And don't you think I'd rather talk about other things? All the cool new games I've been playing, all the conversations I've had now I'm a welcome part of the community, maybe inflate my ego a little more telling you all about all the nice things all the nice women are saying? And didn't we wait a damn long time for this sort of female attention? Shouldn't we make the most of it? Shouldn't I be able to have a quiet day indoors without feeling like an abject failure in spite of compelling, overpowering evidence to the contrary?

I don't want to keep blaming her, it's not healthy or productive. I want to accept what I did wrong and ensure it never happens again, especially given it's becoming increasingly likely I'm soon to enter into a relationship with someone who actually gets me.

So seriously, honestly, brutally, once and for all...

What did I do to deserve this?


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 28th, 2012 12:32 am (UTC)
See, the thing is, sometimes people don't deserve the things they get. And that can go either way-- sometimes people who don't do shit get all the luck, all the money, etc and people who do good deeds and do no wrong just get shit on over and over again. So I think it's rather pointless to keep asking yourself what you did to "deserve" this. You are only beating yourself down. You didn't deserve it-- the only thing I can say is that you jumped the gun WAY too soon. Shoulda waited a while to see a change in personality, second thoughts . . but even then, maybe only a meeting would have changed her? We'll never really know.

She's got mental problems, that's all there is to it. Is that YOUR fault? No. If you want to believe in fate or karma, perhaps then you just so happened to be the unlucky guy who had to come into her life to change it as it needed to be. Or perhaps this experience will come in use for you in the future.

I know this isn't going to make you go "Oh okay, I'm happy now", the amount of abuse she gave you will take time to get over, no matter what. But you are very lucky to have all the good fortune you are getting-- karma or not, at least you're not continuing to be shit on by everybody when you came back =P
Jul. 28th, 2012 11:36 pm (UTC)
Now, y'see, this is the kind of straight-talking and firm assertiveness I can get behind. Not least since it's done as a means to convey reassurance, rather than as a way to 'look smarter' (which is what I had to put up with out there :P).

You're completely right that I am incredibly lucky, not just that I can come out of this with my head held high into a world of opportunities, but also that I even had the chance to live all this in the first place. I know it ended badly, but for a while there I genuinely was realising dreams I'd had for years, with someone I trusted implicitly and who entrusted her greatest secrets to me too.

I know it all happened fast, but I personally don't see it as jumping the gun... we'd known each other a long time, and the trip only seemed feasible once that passion and love came into play. And no matter how she treated me, I did make her phenomenally happy, whilst she let me! And vice versa. I realise it must look like something tremendously strange to have suddenly jumped in and done this, but... the love genuinely was that strong, and we were, for a time, really contemplating a life together.

I know that also sounds like defending her... I'm not, I have no reason to. But I don't want to keep spitting blame at her, and you're right in saying I certainly don't need to keep blaming myself (you're not the only person who's told me just this very thing today!)... I just want to move on and wake up to a world where I don't immediately groan because she's on my mind as soon as I'm conscious. Not in a romantic way, not a nice way, just a nagging little itch I can't scratch, telling me everything I do is wrong and reminding me what I lost. IT's annoying, to say the least!

I will say though, looking back I can see the signs were there, and it's crazy how she and I had our biggest (pre-meeting :P) argument just 12 dys or so before I flew to her... and it really showed her insecurities, instabilities etc. for all to see. If I'd not already committed myself to the ticket, would I still have gone following that argument? Interesting question to ponder. :P

The experience is already very useful though. :) I feel like I've made a statement to the world at large, that I can achieve anything I choose and that I deserve grand adventures and such... in all honesty, the one thing I'm not sure I deserve is the friendships I cast aside to make all this madness happen.

But for what it's worth, it's wonderful to still in some way have them. :) Especially when they arrive with good advice, delivered in a way certain to be received and understood!
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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